Would You Like Some Cheese with That WHINE?

Gosh, I’m getting tired of seeing my own writing be so durn depressing all the time.  But apparently, its not time to quit, because here I am whining again.  If infertility has done nothing else for me, it has allowed me to relearn how to wallow in a foul mood and spew on about it all endlessly.  Ask anyone IRL, they’ll tell you I’m an endlessly “perky” person with a sunshiny disposition.  They don’t know me like you, the priveleged ones do.

The past few weeks have been hard, but seem to be letting up, finally, in some areas.  I’m no longer a “single parent,” which is immensely helpful.  DH came home from a Texas business trip way sicker than he was when he left. Looking at the calendar, he started getting sick wayyyyy back at the beginning of March, but it just kept gaining momentum.  Came back and tried going to work, but ended up coming home with 103 degree temp, breathing problems, no umph, cough–and stayed that way for days on end.  Finally he went back to work on Friday.  So, single parenting, trying not to get sick, and working full time doesn’t lend itself well to grieving, decision-making, reaching out, discussing plans for the future, etc.  Its left me in this emotional black hole waiting for something to make me just snap.  So, yes, I’ve been somewhat avoidant of everything I could possibly be avoidant of.  I’ve been TIRED.  I’ve been SAD.  I’ve been MANAGING.

And after most of all this time has passed (this is all since Easter) my mom calls.  I already heard from my best friend that mom is “worried about me” because I’m not calling her and ttalking to her about everything.  Because I’m not “dealing with things.” (I’m dealing with PLENTY, thankyouverymuch!).  She tells me she’s worried about me, because of all the things she’s already shared with my friend.  My pat reply is “I’m fine.”  I tell her how there hasn’t been a blasted moment to “reach out” because I’ve been so busy and stressed out and doing things.  Her:  “But you need to ask for heeeeelp, why don’t you ever ask for heeeeelp, people want to heeelp,” and on and on forever–because browbeating me about why I don’t ask for help is JUST. SO. EFFING. HELPFUL.  I mean, what has stopped her from just picking up the phone and saying, “hey I’ll be over in a bit to pick up Woob for a few hours, okay?  Go do something you need to do.”  THAT would be helpful.  Or, “I know you’ve been dealing with a lot lately, let me come straighten up the house a little,” or “I’m bringing over a pizza and beer for dinner, don’t dress up.”  THAT would be helpful.  But those things will never happen.  So, when she stops criticizing my coping style for a second and breathes, I say to her, “You really want to help?  How bout you take Woob Saturday morning for a few hours so I can do a few things–don’t know what I’ll be doing yet, but it would be nice to have a break.” And she accepts.  And tells me about everyone we know in the whole world who is pregnant right now.  Whatevah.

And it was helpful to take her up on her “offer”, I suppose, despite the weird feeling of not having an active two-year old attached to me for a few hours.  I honestly had no idea what to do.  I was uncomfortable.  I was sad.  It was the first most beautiful spring day of the season and I had free time to spend how I wanted and it made me feel weird and sad.  What kind of freak am I?  So I killed some time at the phone store asking about phones, getting ticked off that the little cute college student “helping” me, wasn’t explaining things to me in a way I could understand–rebates, upgrades, PDA’s, plans, etc.  I finally left, thinking that either I was too old to figure it all out, or they were sheisters trying to confuse me.  I figure if I have two college degrees and can’t figure it out, then I’m just meant to keep my little, easy old-lady phone for a little while longer.  And I got tearful. 

So I went to the movie theater and bought a ticket to “Fool’s Gold” with The Beautiful Matthew McConnahey and Kate Hudson and nachos, large Coke and some Reese’s Pieces.  Because that is the best, most mindless thing I could think of.  Any other time, it would have been bliss.  But it wasn’t.  Too many things catching up to me in the dark that I hadn’t had time or energy to deal with before.  So, again, I cried a little, which I needed to do, but really–who does that?  That only lasted through the previews and the first few scenes, though, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie with minor pangs of missing the Woob or feeling like there was something I was missing doing.  And I was able to get to the grocery store before going to pick up the baby at my mom’s.

He’d had a great time and we loaded all his stuff together to get ready to go.  Mom asked what I did through the morning, so I told her and got the most unexpected response:  “Uh, I thought we were watching him because you had things to DO.”   WTF.  I love my mother and I know she loves me, but sometimes her ability to figure out the appropriate response escapes her.

Get home and DH knows I’m sad, asks why.  So now we get to start the conversation that’s weeks overdue.  What to do next.  Long story short…we aren’t yet on the same page, so I’m in limbo.  And it made me even sadder.

Sunday, I was feeling better.  Another beautiful day.  Not gonna let anything get to me, and don’t have a whole lot of control over any of it anyway.  Go to church and am greeted by my former sis-in-law:  “Did I hear good news about you??? ” (lingering expectation for me to say something exciting like, well, you know, that I”m preggo..). How to reply to that without (1) crying, or (2) making her feel like a schmuck.  I chose to just meekly say, “no.” and the subject quickly changed.  She felt like a schmuck, and I felt sorry for her, but what else is there to say to that?

I dunno…I’m fine.  Really I am.  I just need to whine a little and I choose not to whine to my mom.  I want help only if its really help.  I want to come to a consensus about our family once and for all or some peace within myself about whatever happens or doesn’t happen next.

Weird Relief

Never thought I’d say this, but Thank God, the RE office called today with a negative result on the beta. I started my day with bloodwork to make sure everything’s going down as it should.  It was bad–the nurse stuck my right arm really painfully and got no blood so we had to stick it again.  She was asking me questions about how low the last beta had been and how long ago it was and I started crying and she gave me that pity look which made me want to cry more.  I was able to suck it up, but then she said that if it didn’t go down to a negative reading (<5), then we’d have to keep doing the bloodwork and/or do a D&C, neither of which I felt really compelled to follow through with.

Anyway, today I’m down below 5, so I’m off the hook.  Just a tad bit more relaxed.

Some Final Thoughts

Okay, you’ll be happy to know I haven’t offed myself over the past few days.  I’m still on the edge of insanity, but I understand it and know it won’t always be this hard.  Everything has been swirling in my head the past week and its been really difficult to truly grieve given I haven’t had a single minute alone in my home or otherwise since receiving the news…literally.  My brother in law has been at the house from out of town from Friday until yesterday afternoon.  We hosted DH’s side of the family on Saturday for late Birthday and early Easter celebrations.  We were at my side of the family’s all day Sunday.  Crying is simply not an option these days.  Perhaps tonight, after Woob goes to bed, I can allow myself a few moments. 

It is amazing, though, how your mind can make a space for a little person in just a few short days.  I am surprised at how much visualizing and projecting into the future I had already done–renovation to the “junk” room, maternity clothes, minivan shopping, planning maternity leave, picking names, naming Godparents, getting Woob through the transition, and on and on.  I guess that’s what mothers do naturally to prepare and care for their little ones in those nine months, which turns out to be not that long.  Every time one of those transitions hits me with, “Oh, I guess I don’t need to do that after all,” I get a little misty eyed.  It was also rather easy to remain in a little bit of denial for a few days, though, as numbers and labs had been mistaken before.  But that was short lived.  The bleeding started in ernest on Easter Sunday and there was no mistaking the truth.  I have to go back tomorrow morning for another beta, and will have to continue until there is a true “negative” reading.  If that negative reading doesn’t come, then they’ll have to do a D&C.  I pray it doesn’t come to that, but hey, THAT would be the definition of Finality.

I’m certainly not blind to the blessings I have, even in the disappointment of not having things go my way…I really hit the jackpot when it comes to people who care, the kiddo I get to take care of and love, my hubby, my work, all the little mundane things I have to focus on.  If a person has to be malcontent, it might as well be at a time when you can watch Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Lost, and How I Met Your Mother, all in one week!  Sounds trivial and stupid, but to me, TV has healing powers.  It gives you something to focus on outside of yourself, something mindless and safe to talk to your partner about when too many land mines are lurking around.

I do have to wonder though, how people do this over and over and over.  I understand getting pulled into the hope, and “maybe next time’s the time,” and how its really not THAT hard to go through the procedures.  But multiple loss, I don’t think I know how to do.  I guess the question for all of us here is how to know you fought a good, honest fight without getting killed in the battle?  At what point can you call it a day and be able to live with it?

Anyway, I don’t think I’ve properly thanked any of you for your kind thoughts, prayers, friendship and words over the past several days.  You have been the only people I can really talk to about this without just losing it…you listen, say just the right things, and you understand completely, and I can’t ask for more than that.  I’ll be watching along as you go through your pregnancies (so many this past week!!), or make other plans.  Feel free to look me up if you look towards adoption–I can point you towards so many good people–adoptive parents, adoptees, birth/first parents, who are kind enough to share their experiences.

And, lastly, I have unopened meds that I need to get rid of (Gonal-f pen and Ovidrel).  Email me at xxxxxxx if you’re interested.