Fertile Schmertile

April 8, 2008

Would You Like Some Cheese with That WHINE?

Gosh, I’m getting tired of seeing my own writing be so durn depressing all the time.  But apparently, its not time to quit, because here I am whining again.  If infertility has done nothing else for me, it has allowed me to relearn how to wallow in a foul mood and spew on about it all endlessly.  Ask anyone IRL, they’ll tell you I’m an endlessly “perky” person with a sunshiny disposition.  They don’t know me like you, the priveleged ones do.

The past few weeks have been hard, but seem to be letting up, finally, in some areas.  I’m no longer a “single parent,” which is immensely helpful.  DH came home from a Texas business trip way sicker than he was when he left. Looking at the calendar, he started getting sick wayyyyy back at the beginning of March, but it just kept gaining momentum.  Came back and tried going to work, but ended up coming home with 103 degree temp, breathing problems, no umph, cough–and stayed that way for days on end.  Finally he went back to work on Friday.  So, single parenting, trying not to get sick, and working full time doesn’t lend itself well to grieving, decision-making, reaching out, discussing plans for the future, etc.  Its left me in this emotional black hole waiting for something to make me just snap.  So, yes, I’ve been somewhat avoidant of everything I could possibly be avoidant of.  I’ve been TIRED.  I’ve been SAD.  I’ve been MANAGING.

And after most of all this time has passed (this is all since Easter) my mom calls.  I already heard from my best friend that mom is “worried about me” because I’m not calling her and ttalking to her about everything.  Because I’m not “dealing with things.” (I’m dealing with PLENTY, thankyouverymuch!).  She tells me she’s worried about me, because of all the things she’s already shared with my friend.  My pat reply is “I’m fine.”  I tell her how there hasn’t been a blasted moment to “reach out” because I’ve been so busy and stressed out and doing things.  Her:  “But you need to ask for heeeeelp, why don’t you ever ask for heeeeelp, people want to heeelp,” and on and on forever–because browbeating me about why I don’t ask for help is JUST. SO. EFFING. HELPFUL.  I mean, what has stopped her from just picking up the phone and saying, “hey I’ll be over in a bit to pick up Woob for a few hours, okay?  Go do something you need to do.”  THAT would be helpful.  Or, “I know you’ve been dealing with a lot lately, let me come straighten up the house a little,” or “I’m bringing over a pizza and beer for dinner, don’t dress up.”  THAT would be helpful.  But those things will never happen.  So, when she stops criticizing my coping style for a second and breathes, I say to her, “You really want to help?  How bout you take Woob Saturday morning for a few hours so I can do a few things–don’t know what I’ll be doing yet, but it would be nice to have a break.” And she accepts.  And tells me about everyone we know in the whole world who is pregnant right now.  Whatevah.

And it was helpful to take her up on her “offer”, I suppose, despite the weird feeling of not having an active two-year old attached to me for a few hours.  I honestly had no idea what to do.  I was uncomfortable.  I was sad.  It was the first most beautiful spring day of the season and I had free time to spend how I wanted and it made me feel weird and sad.  What kind of freak am I?  So I killed some time at the phone store asking about phones, getting ticked off that the little cute college student “helping” me, wasn’t explaining things to me in a way I could understand–rebates, upgrades, PDA’s, plans, etc.  I finally left, thinking that either I was too old to figure it all out, or they were sheisters trying to confuse me.  I figure if I have two college degrees and can’t figure it out, then I’m just meant to keep my little, easy old-lady phone for a little while longer.  And I got tearful. 

So I went to the movie theater and bought a ticket to “Fool’s Gold” with The Beautiful Matthew McConnahey and Kate Hudson and nachos, large Coke and some Reese’s Pieces.  Because that is the best, most mindless thing I could think of.  Any other time, it would have been bliss.  But it wasn’t.  Too many things catching up to me in the dark that I hadn’t had time or energy to deal with before.  So, again, I cried a little, which I needed to do, but really–who does that?  That only lasted through the previews and the first few scenes, though, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie with minor pangs of missing the Woob or feeling like there was something I was missing doing.  And I was able to get to the grocery store before going to pick up the baby at my mom’s.

He’d had a great time and we loaded all his stuff together to get ready to go.  Mom asked what I did through the morning, so I told her and got the most unexpected response:  “Uh, I thought we were watching him because you had things to DO.”   WTF.  I love my mother and I know she loves me, but sometimes her ability to figure out the appropriate response escapes her.

Get home and DH knows I’m sad, asks why.  So now we get to start the conversation that’s weeks overdue.  What to do next.  Long story short…we aren’t yet on the same page, so I’m in limbo.  And it made me even sadder.

Sunday, I was feeling better.  Another beautiful day.  Not gonna let anything get to me, and don’t have a whole lot of control over any of it anyway.  Go to church and am greeted by my former sis-in-law:  “Did I hear good news about you??? ” (lingering expectation for me to say something exciting like, well, you know, that I”m preggo..). How to reply to that without (1) crying, or (2) making her feel like a schmuck.  I chose to just meekly say, “no.” and the subject quickly changed.  She felt like a schmuck, and I felt sorry for her, but what else is there to say to that?

I dunno…I’m fine.  Really I am.  I just need to whine a little and I choose not to whine to my mom.  I want help only if its really help.  I want to come to a consensus about our family once and for all or some peace within myself about whatever happens or doesn’t happen next.

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6 Comments »

  1. Oh, honey I am sorry. I will help if you want it. Better yet, let’s leave our kids with Daddies and lets go hit a movie (or dinner or drinking, whatever) just the 2 of us! What do ya think?

    Comment by Marci — April 9, 2008 @ 1:22 pm |Reply

  2. That sucks. It’s so odd that in this PC world we live in people are still so ignorant about things like this. Haven’t people heard that you should never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to? Grrr. I’m still praying that things get better ASAP!

    Comment by mrsyak — April 9, 2008 @ 5:33 pm |Reply

  3. (((((Hugs)))))

    Comment by Margie — April 9, 2008 @ 7:16 pm |Reply

  4. Half the time I don’t blog, because I think I end up sounding all negative and whiny. You know what? YOU are the better for getting it out here! Your mom just doesn’t know that you ARE talking about it an coping here, with either people who understand or people who’ve been through it!

    Give yourself a tiny break. It’s okay to wallow. It’s good to wallow a little bit. You’ll need time to get through this and to get to the next step, whatever that is. You (or others) can only do so much to help you get to that point. Time will take care of the rest.

    I think I can definitely understand about the spouse being on the same page part! Man. How many times I think we were not quite together on things – one of us would be feeling one thing, then but the time the other was thinking the same, the first had moved on to something else! Sometimes that’s just bad, sometimes just frustrating, and sometimes it’s a very good thing – like when one of us wanted to give up, and the other helped us both to pull through.

    I hope you get time soon to work it out and get some direction! Good luck.

    Comment by StorkWatcher — April 12, 2008 @ 2:42 pm |Reply

  5. Hi there – just wanted to say thanks for commenting on my blog! It’s always comforting to hear that there’s someone in the world who is going through similar emotions as I am. Makes me feel less crazy 🙂 BTW, I totally relate to this post – especially the part about being tired of writing about depressing things. But, we are only human and what better place to vent than here where we’re in good company! Hope you’re in better spirits. Best wishes to you on your quest for another baby.

    Comment by Rochelle — April 18, 2008 @ 11:00 pm |Reply

  6. Hello. I am new to this world of TTC blogs, and am so grateful to have them. The frustration, the pain, the excitement, more frustration… It’s a cycle that hurts. Somehow knowing that I’m not alone helps – a little. I just wanted to tell you that I am moved by your story. I am praying for you.

    Comment by L — November 4, 2008 @ 11:17 am |Reply


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