Fertile Schmertile

March 25, 2008

Some Final Thoughts

Filed under: anxiety,early miscarriage,grief,infertility,IVF — by M. @ 1:40 pm

Okay, you’ll be happy to know I haven’t offed myself over the past few days.  I’m still on the edge of insanity, but I understand it and know it won’t always be this hard.  Everything has been swirling in my head the past week and its been really difficult to truly grieve given I haven’t had a single minute alone in my home or otherwise since receiving the news…literally.  My brother in law has been at the house from out of town from Friday until yesterday afternoon.  We hosted DH’s side of the family on Saturday for late Birthday and early Easter celebrations.  We were at my side of the family’s all day Sunday.  Crying is simply not an option these days.  Perhaps tonight, after Woob goes to bed, I can allow myself a few moments. 

It is amazing, though, how your mind can make a space for a little person in just a few short days.  I am surprised at how much visualizing and projecting into the future I had already done–renovation to the “junk” room, maternity clothes, minivan shopping, planning maternity leave, picking names, naming Godparents, getting Woob through the transition, and on and on.  I guess that’s what mothers do naturally to prepare and care for their little ones in those nine months, which turns out to be not that long.  Every time one of those transitions hits me with, “Oh, I guess I don’t need to do that after all,” I get a little misty eyed.  It was also rather easy to remain in a little bit of denial for a few days, though, as numbers and labs had been mistaken before.  But that was short lived.  The bleeding started in ernest on Easter Sunday and there was no mistaking the truth.  I have to go back tomorrow morning for another beta, and will have to continue until there is a true “negative” reading.  If that negative reading doesn’t come, then they’ll have to do a D&C.  I pray it doesn’t come to that, but hey, THAT would be the definition of Finality.

I’m certainly not blind to the blessings I have, even in the disappointment of not having things go my way…I really hit the jackpot when it comes to people who care, the kiddo I get to take care of and love, my hubby, my work, all the little mundane things I have to focus on.  If a person has to be malcontent, it might as well be at a time when you can watch Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Lost, and How I Met Your Mother, all in one week!  Sounds trivial and stupid, but to me, TV has healing powers.  It gives you something to focus on outside of yourself, something mindless and safe to talk to your partner about when too many land mines are lurking around.

I do have to wonder though, how people do this over and over and over.  I understand getting pulled into the hope, and “maybe next time’s the time,” and how its really not THAT hard to go through the procedures.  But multiple loss, I don’t think I know how to do.  I guess the question for all of us here is how to know you fought a good, honest fight without getting killed in the battle?  At what point can you call it a day and be able to live with it?

Anyway, I don’t think I’ve properly thanked any of you for your kind thoughts, prayers, friendship and words over the past several days.  You have been the only people I can really talk to about this without just losing it…you listen, say just the right things, and you understand completely, and I can’t ask for more than that.  I’ll be watching along as you go through your pregnancies (so many this past week!!), or make other plans.  Feel free to look me up if you look towards adoption–I can point you towards so many good people–adoptive parents, adoptees, birth/first parents, who are kind enough to share their experiences.

And, lastly, I have unopened meds that I need to get rid of (Gonal-f pen and Ovidrel).  Email me at xxxxxxx if you’re interested.

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6 Comments »

  1. Oh Em–my heart’s going out to you. I hope you get some time to yourself this week to just “be”…((hugs)) to you….

    Comment by Michelle — March 26, 2008 @ 7:52 pm |Reply

  2. Em, I can’t tell you how often I’ve been thinking about you. I can’t know what these past few days have been like for you, but I DO know the healing power of How I Met Your Mother ❤ As you were there for me from the very beginning, we’re here for you now. (((((hugs)))))

    Comment by thanksgivingmom — March 27, 2008 @ 9:57 pm |Reply

  3. thank you, sweetlings!

    Comment by mama2roo — March 28, 2008 @ 8:26 am |Reply

  4. Sigh. I want to say something horribly profound and meaningful, and all I can say is I’m sorry. It sucks, and it’s not fair, and sometimes I really really don’t get what the Universe is up to.

    Comment by carissawords — March 28, 2008 @ 6:58 pm |Reply

  5. I’m glad to see you’re back among the blog living. I hope this has helped. I sometimes hate how much TV I watch, yet it lets me zone out and rest a bit or keep things off my mind, so I understand your words (although Idol to me is torture, not a healing power – I know, I blaspheme).

    I hope you are feeling better soon.

    Comment by StorkWatcher — March 28, 2008 @ 7:29 pm |Reply

  6. Just ((((HUGS)))) to you. I know. I know how hard it is.

    Find me if you need to talk, OK?

    Comment by Coco — April 4, 2008 @ 7:54 am |Reply


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