Fertile Schmertile

March 22, 2008

Indulging in Anger

I feel the need to indulge in my anger a little and let it steep a bit…

  • I am angry that I fell for it yet again
  • I am angry that I am a hard core gambler…I mean who goes to the casino and puts down their whole life savings (haha–no savings, just whats left on a home equity loan…) on the number seven and thinks they’ll really win??  Someone with a gambling problem.  In essence that’s what we did.
  • I am angry at the nurse who called with the bad news started with the statement, “The good news is, you know you can get pregnant…”  I feel hatred towards her which is really wrong on Good Friday.
  • I am angry that I can’t stop moving very long before my mind wanders back to it and I feel like I’m going to cry ugly.
  • I am angry that the dr’s office seemed to assume that we’d be trying again.
  • I am angry at myself for not being emotionally able to try again, even if we could up some cash.
  • I’m angry that there will be looks of pity at my Easter gathering on Sunday.
  • I’m angry that when I tell people that I don’t want to talk about it, they don’t respect that, and bring it up anyway.
  • I’m angry that its the beginning of spring and everything is growing and blooming around me and I’m being left behind.
  • I’m angry that something so, so, so tiny can have such a big effect on me emotionally.
  • I’m angry that I used sick time and vacation time for a study in futility.
  • I am angry that I have to sit around waiting for the bleeding to start.
  • I’m angry that I have to go back to the dr.s office to retest my blood again just to see how low the numbers are going.
  • I’m angry that there’s no time to take to just back out of life for awhile without anything else to think about.
  • I’m angry that I’m getting older.
  • I’m angry that while I’m grieving, I have clients in my parenting classes who don’t have the ability to show their children nurturing care…I almost cried when a little boy came in to the class with his mom.  He had gotten a much needed haircut since the week before; granted, it was a bit uneven.  When I commented on how great he looked, he said, “Momma said I look ugly,” to which his “Momma” replied, “It IS ugly, you look terrible.”  That little boy is 5.

I’m sure there’s more I can come up with, but I’m just too tired to keep going.

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5 Comments »

  1. Oh, M. Oh.

    First: I am so sad and sorry. I am so heartbroken for you. I have been there.

    It’s OK to be angry, sad, bitterly remorseful…all of it. I was. For so long.

    I am sending you hugs ang prayers and good thoughts. If you need to talk, I am available.

    Comment by Coco — March 23, 2008 @ 9:50 pm |Reply

  2. I am so, so, sorry.

    Comment by chaletgirl — March 24, 2008 @ 12:26 am |Reply

  3. I’m really sorry for your loss, from the bottom of my heart.

    Comment by mrsyak — March 24, 2008 @ 8:26 am |Reply

  4. Although we don’t know each other, I have been following your blog and feel your pain. We tried in-vitro twice – the first attempt failed. I know exactly how you feel and you will be in our daily prayers because we know the road ahead will not be easy. Words cannot express the pain.

    Comment by Jodi — March 24, 2008 @ 5:15 pm |Reply

  5. I am so sorry. People ought to respect your feelings.

    I really dislike that nurse and the way she started out her statement. Ugh.

    I am angry for you. And I have had the same anger as I’m feeling loss, watching other people take their kids for granted or treating them as if they do.

    I wish I could help. But to borrow words from the great author Todd Parr (does Roo know him?) – It’s okay to feel angry. You’ll need to go through you anger as you work through this loss.

    Comment by StorkWatcher — March 25, 2008 @ 12:46 pm |Reply


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